The thing has left, but the touch is not gone. They say I am clean, but I do not feel it. I still laugh at tragedy and take joy in destruction. I hide it as to not disturb others. I do not know how long that will be with me.

Whose rules am I playing by? My parent’s, my husband’s, the Empire’s, the… thing… that spoke to my brain? I want to play by my own rules. It’s time I made decions for myself. Life is too short not to.

Maybe Angie and Rosie were wrong, maybe I’m not part of the karass with Nico and the others… maybe I’m really part of a duprass…

One of my friends recently played this song for me. It’s old, but it speaks to me. Especially the line about ‘my mother’s home’. And the fact that I’m a Christmas baby.

Blue Lamp by Stevie Nicks.

There was no message to be found anywhere in sight inside or out
I had looked everywhere but the only lamp left on in the house
Was a blue light… a blue light

I was not ready… I’m no enchantress well I was too proud
Go find some Christmas angel then give that to her
If that’s what she wants…guardian angel
Guardian… if you were wiser you would get out

Downstairs the big old house is mine
Upstairs where the stars still laugh and they shine
Downstairs where the big old house is mine
Outside where the stars still laughin’
Stars still laughin’ shinin’
Stars still laughin’ cryin’ shinin’
Stars still laughin’ cryin’ shinin’
Stars still laughin’ shinin’ shine!

Don’t listen to her listen through her
Some Christmas angel
Huh freedom well give that to her… ooh
Well is that what she wants… guardian angel
Guardian… if you were wiser you would get out… ooh… yeah

And the light that shines through the shinin’ night
Is the lamp that I carried from my mother’s home
And the light that burns through the window pane
And the love remains

I love you too.  You don’t need to protect me anymore.  I know now.  I know what happened.  Mia Zio told me.  He didn’t want to, but I asked.  I had to know.  I understand now.  I understand why you did what you did.  

Know that in all things, I seek to find you now.  I don’t care about the dark things I have learned, they do not change my opinion of you.  I love you as you love me.  You did what you had to do.  And it is NOT too late for you.  

I will find you, Mama.  I am so close….

I love you,

Christi

They are all going to know soon.  There’s no way around it, really.  It’s inevitable.  My fear is that everyone will hate me once they know the truth.  Plans are in place, safehouses, means to travel.  I don’t think… I don’t hope that I will have to use them.   Val… Rosie… everyone… what will they think of me?

What once was lost now is found.  I can fly again.

I have a sister!

I just found your notes.  I want to talk to you now more than ever.  There is a storm brewing, and I want to wrap you in my arms and take you into the safety of the center with me.  Come back to me, my friend, when you are healed, and together we’ll figure this out.

It’s about time you grew up.  I know that you’ve been acting adult for a while now, but now it’s actually time to be one.  Stop living in your perfect romantic world, and look around.  You see the storm brewing?  You’re in the middle of it, there’s no way to run away from this one.  You need to start taking responsability and become the diplomat and strega Mama used to be, that Nona and Papa want you to be.  You’ve been filling her shoes for a while, but now that you’re old enough, it’s time to start doing so as an adult.  You’ve spent enough time as a child, and people have told you to grow up.  Stop being stubborn and realize they are right.  This isn’t just being who everyone else wants you to be, this is being who you want to be, who you need to be.  Get up off the floor, stop crying, and go face the world.  You have a lot of work to do.

shit.  I want Mama.